What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 09:35
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Have you ever lied to your family? What were the circumstances?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I said to her
Who is the greatest light welterweight boxer of all time?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What did i know ?
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
How do flat Earthers explain the existence of other spherical planets?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
All the time i was locked up.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
(And it was in our own minds.)
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But ive been too sick for many years..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot live in the past .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
It was going to be , some day.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
This is soul school!.
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I will be 64.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We all went to grammer schools
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was very sick at this time too.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was in good health!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He knew the spot.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I waited trembling.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Put me off passion for life!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My family never makes their pension either.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Especially a lifetime of it.
So, i spoilt her more .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But it wasn’t much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.